I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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