I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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