Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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