69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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