I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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