please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
