He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
