yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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