Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
