I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
