I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
