and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
