Im at strip club and am horny
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
