I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
