you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
