Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
