my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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