last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
