I accidentally burped into my bong.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
