Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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