so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
