i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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