I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
