I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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