Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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