He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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