He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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