and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
