We named our party play list daddy issues
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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