Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
