I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
