She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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