it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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