i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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