dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
