i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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