Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
