My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
