I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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