Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
