CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
