I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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