We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
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I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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