I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
