Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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