my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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