U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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