hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
