I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
