At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
