remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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