I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
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