Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
