I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
