I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
