My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
