Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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