I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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