I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
